Please Leave Your Shoes and Your Fake Hair at the Door

I have some serious issues with hair. Other people’s hair, to be more specific. Have you ever had someone else’s hair just kind of make itself at home on your shoulder, desk or face? I’m not talking about the hair of a loved one on the pillow, but the hair of someone you don’t know well invading your personal space in all it’s fuzziness…

While travelling in Europe several years ago, I found myself on a boat with a tour group in Italy. All was fine and good until the girl next to me started to doze off. Her head fell forward first and stopped momentarily, before it started to swing… I saw it coming right at me, the whole head with her long ponytail swinging straight for my face. It stopped just short, resting on my shoulder and making itself at home.

Panicked, I started yelling and shaking the girl awake while desperately trying not to dry retch. Once she was back in an upright position, I spent the rest of the boat trip watching her out of the corner of my eye, ready to fight her and her space-invading ponytail off if necessary.

It was on that fateful day that I came to realise my extreme hatred for involuntary contact with other people’s hair and I have tried to avoid any altercations ever since.

Being someone with very long hair and a tendency to malt like a Pomeranian on steroids, I have learnt to adapt to my own hair attaching itself to my clothing, skin and household items. It’s safe hair, I know where it came from and I know that it’s clean.

Wet hair, even if it’s my own, makes me dry retch like there’s no tomorrow, but this is fairly easily avoided through a combination of strategic household cleaning and carefully executed exiting of swimming pools/baths/showers.

In recent months, however, I have started to notice a growing trend, which is making me increasingly nervous. It’s something I can’t control, but something that for some unknown reason is taking over the world…

Fake Hair.

Horse or human, fake hair not only has the power to drop without warning, it can also instil fear from any distance and it must be stopped!

In general, I am against pretty much anything fake; fake boobs, fake labels, fake nails and fake chicken to name just a few (and yes, fake chicken exists – trust me!), but I accept that other people enjoy these things, so I generally don’t judge. When I started to realise that fake hair was causing me some serious distress, I thought I was alone… until the other day.

I was walking from one side of the city to the other in a hurry, so wasn’t paying much attention to anything and had stopped to wait to cross the road. I looked directly ahead of me, where a well- groomed girl was standing. She was power-suited up, and in normal circumstances I would have been envying her shoes (generally power-suited people have shoes that I cannot afford), however the second I saw her hair, all I could think and see was ‘FAKE HAIR! FAKE HAIR! EXPENSIVE BUT FAKE HAIR!’

I was overwhelmed and started to feel unreasonably angry and slightly ill, so I took an emergency right and added an extra block to my walk to get away from her. That night, I started talking through the bad experiences I have had with fake hair.

Surprisingly, I  realised that I am not alone in my hatred and the anti-fake hair movement started gaining momentum.

A buddy of mine, who shall remain unnamed, quite eloquently summarised them as ‘borderline shazza (girl bogan)’ and encouraged me to ‘let others know about this common fail’. While another emailed me this little chestnut:

On the fake hair note, I was at the hairdressers last week and was telling my hairdresser that I wanted to grow my hair long and was complaining about having thin, boring hair. She was all like “you should totally get extensions” and I was like, “Ahh no. Blond extensions always look tacky and would make me look like one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends.” She then pointed to the tackiest looking fake haired, fake nailed, fake tanned girl in the room and was like “I did her extensions – they look so real. Not tacky at all right?” I immediately broke out in a chorus of “oooh, ahhh, so lovely!”

I would like to add in here that I am not talking about wigs. Wigs serve a purpose, whether it is because of hair loss or for a dress up party. I would even go so far as to say that I don’t have any major issue with someone giving hair extensions a crack every once in a while.

However, there is a line, which is getting crossed, and we need to take a stand against it.

So, I am offering a community service to anyone who needs it.

– Do you know someone with bad hair extensions and you don’t know how to approach it?

– Have you encountered someone with bad extensions, openly criticising someone else’s bad extensions?

– Do you find yourself asking – if the hair is fake, does it matter if it’s horse or human?

– Are you genuinely concerned that this person is unaware that society is judging them for whatever they have hanging off their head?

If so, please email, providing the contact details of the person you would like this message passed on to, along with a reason why and your own contact details. I will happily send the following email on your behalf*:

Hello there

Someone who cares a lot about you has requested that this email be sent to you anonymously. Maybe they’ve been meaning to raise the issue with you for some time or maybe they just don’t have the heart to tell you to your face.

You’re a great friend and you mean a lot to the people around you, but there’s something you need to know…

Your hair extensions aren’t working for you. Your friend believes they (please select) [look fake/look cheap/don’t match your hair colour/just don’t do your pretty face justice/look damn horrendous] and would like to suggest you remove them.

Unfortunately we cannot pass on the details of the person who nominated you to receive this email, but if you would like a response passed onto them, please feel free to send it through.

Yours sincerely

The We Need to Talk About Your Hair Team

Additionally, to lead the movement, I am introducing a ‘No Fake Hair’ zoning on my house. Visitors please note – When you enter, please leave both your shoes and your fake hair at the door.

*I won’t ACTUALLY send anything to your friend… Geez, I’m not a total bitch! However, I will enjoy you sharing your fake hair stories with me and may add them anonymously to this post.


  1. VenusVee

    I was at a club once, while on the dance floor shaking what my mama gave me, a girl with a long ponytail extension was just swinging it away in front of a guy with an tremendously large belt buckle. Well long story short, i guess she did not pin that baby on too well because the next thing my girls and I saw was a long piece of blonde hair hanging from the cowboys buckle. She kept dancing away and the guy had no idea what he was supposed to do with his newly acquired wig. But the most painful part of the whole situation was watching her trying to pry off the super tangled hair off this mans belt. Oyyy. I’m still embarrassed for her.

  2. MJ, Nonstepmom

    This is the funniest post ! I didnt like hair extentions to begin with, but then awhile back I found out that many believe in not “over-washing” the fake hair….so not only is it fake (or at least, not theirs) but its gross – The Ick Factor shot up like 50 points !!!!

  3. Alice

    Great and funny post and thank you for finally bringing this important issue up. I have never seen natural looking extensions. I especially hate the cheap ones, the receptionist at work had the ones that are attached by rubber bands but would wear her hair up so you could see the bands ugh I shuddered everytime I saw them and as above poster mentioned she didn’t believe in keeping them clean or brushing them so they would end up as one mass at the back of her head.

  4. butimbeautiful

    Very funny! Hey look, I have NEVER had fake hair, since I have heaps of my own fuzzy stuff, but I understand from an African American ex-boyfriend that just about all AE women have fake hair, it’s obligatory.

  5. Off the Wall

    ummmm….golleee……gee whiz…..ummmm…..I must confess. I have been known to sport a fake but totally CUTE bun on hot days in the summer….it matches my hair perfectly 🙂 and nobody knows it is fake. Until I purposely take it off and wave it in somebody’s face and watch the horror on their face, lol. It is good for entertainment purposes, and worth every penny of the $14.99 I spent on it.

    • tennizzlle

      Haha, I have a friend who will do the same thing with a Jessica Simpson hair piece. Every time it gets itchy half way through the evening and ends up attached to someone else’s head – most often a male. Hilarious! I would file these under fancy dress and hair experimentation and not bad hair! 🙂

  6. Sally

    Thank you for the good laugh! I think you should send out those emails. Someone I know wore a toupee for many years. He referred to the (complex) process of caring for and applying the “rug” as his “system.” Fortunately, a girlfriend finally convinced him how sexy bald men are…

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