Yep, you read it right. Last week I drove to work in my thongs and it ended in disaster.
For those of you from the USA who read my blog, I know, I know… and yes, I was driving to work in my thongs – two of them – and when I got there I realized I had no shoes on!
Confused? Don’t worry, so was I!
As everyone in my life knows all too well – I am a complete shambles at the best of times. I fall over, run into things, accidentally tell strangers that I love them, forget how to get home and vomit regularly. However, in recent months, I had been reaching all new levels of coordination and things were going swimmingly.
No longer was I the bitter, sarcastic blogger who dated psychopaths and had an unreasonable fear of fake hair… As I said to another blogger several months ago, it’s hard to blog sarcastically when you’re happy with life… (and yes, contrary to popular belief, I had been getting out of the house at that point in time!)
Alas, it all came unraveled when I wore my thongs on the drive to work on Thursday. I had stayed at my boyfriend’s house, which sends me on a total different route to work and it was one of the first really warm days of the year, so I had just thrown my thongs on at the last minute as I ran out the door, not thinking much of it. I’m someone who avoids shoes at all costs, so I always keep a pair of work flats on the car floor for everyday use.
Unfortunately I didn’t think much of the fact that I had sent my car in to be serviced either, and the car that I had borrowed (strangely) did not come with a pair of emergency shoes on the passenger side floor. So, to cut a long, dramatic morning short, I turned up to work with no shoes, frantically yelling out to a colleague across the carpark something along the lines of ‘My shoes! My shoes! No shoes! No shoes! OMG! Shambles! HELP! HELP!’ while waving both arms frantically in the air…
Ah, you know that look of panic people get as they desperately think of a way they can pretend they don’t know you? Yep, that look is ALLLL too familiar for me!
So half an hour and one trip to Kmart later, I had a pair of $8 shoes making my feet sweat and I was back on track. Or so I thought…
This morning, I took the same route to work. I was back in my own car (spare shoes and all) and for a Monday, the day was looking fine. About half way through my drive, I switched my handsfree thingemy on in case I got a call, as I’d thrown my bag somewhere in the back of the car and had no chance of reaching my phone if I needed it.
Beep… Beeep… attempting to connect… no phone found… attempting to connect… no phone found…
After a small panic, I ran into the office, waving my arms in the air like a madwoman. My colleagues have come to await the daily drama that tends to signify my arrival, so there was an air of anticipation as I ran into the office yelling ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got my shoes! I DON’T have my mobile phone but it’s going to be OKAY!’
Being a Gen Y girl and lacking the ability to memorise a single phone number since about 1999, I had no idea what my boyfriends phone number is. So I called myself. No answer. Redial…
Yep, oh shizz indeed! But we had a plan, boyfriend would drop phone to my office at lunchtime and I would buy him lunch, which I did. I was all ‘sit down, get comfortable, let me buy your lunch and drink and prove my gratitude for you driving halfway across Melbourne for me…’
And then it fell apart…
In an effort to be super helpful and after I was clearly told the squeezy ketchup sachet wasn’t opening, I insisted on having a crack at it and with all my strength, attempted to outsmart what was, I swear, the most complicated condiment packaging ever made.
Unfortunately… the ketchup won…
We were both covered. As was our table, my bag, the entire pile of napkins on the table, the chair next to me… and the random stranger sitting no less than two metres away from me.
I spent the entire afternoon pulling pieces of dry, crusty ketchup from my ponytail and fringe while randomly bursting out in fits of giggles.
I took it as a sign I had been neglecting my blog.
The universe has spoken. I will blog more.
I will also stop wearing thongs in the car… Except on weekends and public holidays.
And possibly also eating ketchup.
Also – I’m still scared of fake hair.
So today I was nominated for the Beautiful Blogger Award by the lovely Jennifaye. Yay! Although this reminded me that I had also been tagged by nosugarjustspice WEEKS ago and I totally forgot! So, I’m starting with the earlier tag and, if I have time, will roll right on through to the more recent one!
First up, the one I am going to refer to as ‘Blog Tag’, has the following rules:
1. You must post the rules
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post
3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged
4. Tag eleven people with a link to your post
5. Let them know you tagged them
And the questions posted by nosugarjustspice and my answers are:
1. What’s the most exciting thing you’ve done in the last year?
Ooohhhh, quit my job, which I did just a few weeks ago! Exciting times are ahead!
2. Favourite 80’s movie?
Girls Just Want to Have Fun!
3. Do you still have toys from when you were a child?
Yes, and sadly some are still in my bedroom. I just can’t let them go and keep telling myself that they’ll mean so much to my kids when I pass them on (note – I have no kids and don’t expect to have any for quite a while still!)… except Sealy Lorne, who is my number 1!
4. You’re being sent to Biosphere 2 for a year and can only take one person, who would it be?
Hmmm… only for a year? Would I have any means of communication with other people? Argh, I can’t decide!
5. If you could be a member of the opposite sex for a day, would you?
No way! Haha!
6. Is there anything in the area surrounding you right now that could be used to fight zombies in the apocalypse?
Yep, a MASSIVE aerosol can of Fudge Skyscraper hairspray.
7. How many alarms does it take to wake you up of a morning? (It takes me 5)
Two alarms, which start at 7.15 and 7.20 and keep getting snoozed until about 7.50-8am. I HATE mornings!
8. Hollywood is remaking your favourite movie ever and wants you to play your favourite character from that movie, which movie is it and who are you playing?
Amelie and Amelie!
9. What are 5 terms/names/etc you wish you had never heard and could be removed history?
The first thing to come to mind is too horrid to share, but I had to ask blogger Lyndon Keane to translate and we both regret googling as soon as we had done so… no further comment on that.
Second, third, fourth and fifth would be babe (as in people refer to each other as this), moist, Hugh (as in the name, because I can’t pronounce it) and… Mash (just the mention of it makes me feel sick)!
10. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done when drunk?
Oh, there’s way too many to narrow it down… In recent months projectile vomiting all over my luggage and the hotel room floor would probably be the worst of it.
11. If you could wake up tomorrow and walk into your dream job what would it be?
Professional world traveller and gazillionaire 🙂
And eleven new questions:
- What’s one city in the world that you’ve always wanted to visit and why?
- What is your biggest fear?
- Have you ever seen a ghost?
- What is your guilty pleasure?
- If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, what animal would it be?
- Are you a dog or a cat person?
- If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
- What’s your favourite song of all time?
- When you were young, what did you plan to be when you grew up?
- Chips and salad or roast potatoes and vegetables?
- If you won a million dollars, what would you do/buy first?
And the eleven blogs that I tag are…
- www.frugalistablog.com (for her great Kristen Stewart impersonation)
- www.simonandfinn.com (the baby mouse deer made me cry :()
I hope you enjoy these blogs as much as I do!
Okay, having just done this one and with seven more blogs to nominate, I’m going to take a few days to complete the Beautiful Blogger Award! Phew!
Last week, I bid a sad farewell to something that has brought me much joy throughout my life… something that has been a comfort, a treat, a staple and a convenience… pasta, my friend, it’s time we went out separate ways.
I had been fighting it for months, refusing to accept that the crippling pain in my stomach was directly related to the wheaty goodness I had just eaten but after dealing the horrific possibility that I may have had to say goodbye to cheese, I (reluctantly) accepted my fate, and with it, I had a shocking realization… I was not just, after twenty-something years, slightly intolerant to something… I was getting old.
So I started Googling the ‘Seven Signs of Ageing’ that the make up commercials warn me of… I don’t wear make up, so the ads were all I had to go on.
But, being in my late twenties, the signs, which include wrinkles, pores, blotches, dullness, unevenness, tone issues (not the vocal kind – there’s no saving them!) and dryness, weren’t very applicable… I mean, don’t we all get wrinkly, dry and a bit blotchy every now and then? Most often following a night passed out on the bathroom floor after too much Chandon Rose?
I had a think about what’s changed over the past few years. Sure, I can’t bounce back from a night out like I used to, I no longer approach things with the blind optimism of a teenager and having a mortgage is a fortnightly reminder of being a full-fledged grown-up, but I realized that I do have seven regular reminders that I have, most definitely, left my youth behind…
Sign 1 – The evil bloat
For me, it was pasta, but the evil bloat can be caused by a range of foods and drinks normally associated with happiness and joy… cheese, wine, pizza, beer and cider to name just a few. At one point I remember being keeled over on the bathroom floor, actually thinking I was either dying, on the brink of an appendix explosion, or pregnant.
The first theory proved incorrect when I was still alive the next day, the second didn’t match the Google explanation of where my appendix were actually located and the third was quickly shut down by my friend who told me Jesus would not consider me a good candidate for an immaculate conception.
Alas, I had experienced the evil bloat and there was no going back.
Sign 2 – Discussion of the evil bloat
I know, I know, I’m kind of throwing myself into this one by even writing this post, but I was out with a group of girls my age a few weeks ago and in the midst of a fun night of wine and celebration, the conversation actually came to a discussion of food intolerances and stomach bloating.
For a good ten minutes, I was totally engrossed in the conversation until I stopped and took a long, hard look at myself… oh, the shame!
Sign 3 – Physio visits more than once a month or two
This time a year ago, I had never even been to a physio, now I find myself there so often that my physio knows more about my life than most of my friends do.
The other day we had an awkward moment when, mid-consultation she questioned why I had a line of black ink down my chest… I refused to tell her, she was persistent, I wasn’t budging and things got awkward. I think she felt betrayed… as a result, my shoulders are just going to have to sort themselves out for a few months!
Sign 4 – Fear of fluorescent lighting
Quite possibly one of the worst inventions ever, in recent years I have had numerous run-ins with fluorescent lighting, many of which led to at least ten minutes of horror, realising that overnight I had become a pasty, wrinkly mess before realising that I do not actually resemble a corpse and the lightling is just messing with my head… I swear to destroy you one day, fluorescent lighting…
Sign 5 – Regretting those personalised number plates I got when I was 21
Not because people might assume that I am a bit of a bogan, but because they’re clearly stating your year of birth… and I know, I have absolutely no excuse for driving like this at my age… but if you just gave way to me whenever I tied to cut in, we wouldn’t have a problem, would we?
Sign 6 – I have no idea how to download music
Being someone who works with social media and manages websites and databases at work, I have absolutely no excuse for this, but I honestly have no idea how to download music… or movies… or tv shows.I STILL buy the box sets when they are released.
I do, however, have fond memories of Napster and Limewire and when you’d be halfway through belting out Whitney Houston’s ‘I wanna dance with somebody’ when full-bore white noise would scare the crap out of you and you’d nearly crash your car… ah, those were the days!
Sign 7 – Finding yourself muttering ‘Ah, the kids these days…’
Yep, I know… What have I BECOME???
Okay, so this week I am being totally boring because I’m having bloggers block and my attempts at writing my next post are not getting me anywhere! So I have decided to take the opportunity to respond to a blogging award nomination and also share some random nonsense, to justify this as a REAL post for the week!
So, when I can’t finish any of the gazillion drafts sitting in my blog, there is only one way out – to write a list! This week I have mainly been inspired by the weird and slightly disturbing search terms that have been coming up on my blog, but also by the many other blogs I have been reading and what I have learnt since I started blogging just over two months ago. The following are the top ten of these:
1. People, or more specifically, people who write and read blogs, are awesome and they brighten my life!
2. They are also sometimes insane… as is evident in the following search terms which have led people to my blog.
– Tenis player not wear pant – okay, I guess I was asking for this one with all that talk of Marat Safin and his flood pants, but seriously, who were you hoping to find?
– What is hi fives porn – If this is something that exists (and by the number of referrals, I’m guessing it does), I can guarantee this is NOT something you will be finding here. Move along!
– Eating my ex on the couch – I’m fairly certain I do not ever want to meet you…
– High five? Potato – If this was ‘high five? Mashed potato’ I would assume you were my arch nemesis. Alas, I have no idea what you were hoping to achieve. High five? Potato!
– Ecards about stupid people – I think I have Googled this exact search term, let’s be friends!
– What is the fear of high fives called – Oh. My. God! I am not alone!
– Potatoes with cotton buds – I’m confused. Why does the potato have cotton buds?
– I can count to potato – Good for you!
– Women crapping – I am not even joking!
– Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair – Wow, you have a way with words. I suspect you may be the reason for my fear of high fives…
– You call it madness but I call it love – Yes, and I call you insane. Have we dated?
– Green balls – I think you should get off Google and get to the doctor… Now!
– What is this shitload of mashed potatoes day – I think I had a nightmare along those lines just last week… a whole day of being chased around by a giant plate of mashed potato with legs… it’s all coming back to me…
3. I am not alone in my pug love – Yep, my blog has received visits from people using 31 different Pug search terms so far! Some of my favourites are ‘pug with backpack’ ‘thank god it’s Friday pug’ and ‘pug true love’. I feel my heart warming just reading them! This is from one particular morning several weeks ago:
4. WordPress is my friend – It’s true. I’ve actually found I spend more time with WordPress these days than with most of the people in my life. It makes me happy!
5. Twitter is not my friend – Also true. I Tweet… I get sweet nothing back… but I shall persist….
6. I wish I was cool enough to have a Facebook page for my blog – Alas, I am not, but I shall continue to sit back and silently envy those of you who do… Sitting there all smug in your popularity…
7. I want to start taking photos for my blog – I’m making this one of my missions in life. Having broken my iPhone camera and with minimal chance of lugging my SLR around with me each day, the likelihood of this happening is slim to none – so I’m aiming to post one photo I have taken by the end of 2012. Achievable? Achievable!
8. www.someecards.com is a sarcastic bloggers best friend – Seriously, the best resource ever! And they’re FREE!
9. There’s a fairly good chance I will fail in my attempt to blog every week of 2012… although I remain 100% committed to trying my hardest!
10. Blog awards are great for the ego – and a great excuse for spending an entire day reading other blogs… And on that note:
The rest of my entry today is to accept and pass on a little blog love with four (yep, FOUR) awards rolled into one… I don’t even know how this happens and am slightly overwhelmed, but I’m going to go with it and see what happens!
So, first and foremost, many many thanks to No Sugar, Just Spice for nominating me… in perusing your blog I see we share some embarrassing old music tastes… well, taste, I should say… I’m not at the point of publicly admitting to such a thing, but just for you *ahem*:
“Have you ever stood outside a picket fence… you’ll see through… but you can’t get to the inside… oohhhhhhh!”
I still remember all the words… how embarrassing… let’s never mention this again!
So, the awards are:
- Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award
- The Sunshine Award
- The Candle Lighter Award
- The Liebster Award
To roll all the questions into one, I’m just going to answer EVERYTHING in one go and then nominate those blogs I would like to pass the love onto.
So, here goes:
1. Describe yourself in seven words.
Small, Energetic, Loyal, Passionate, Impatient, Blunt and High-Pitched (although that’s kind of eight!)
2. What keeps you up at night?
3. Whom would you like to be?
Noone, really. I’m pretty happy just being me.
4. What are you wearing now?
Tracksuit pants, a hoodie and my ugg boots… exciting, I know!
5. What scares you?
Mice and Horses.
6. What are the best and worst things about blogging?
Best: Interacting with other bloggers and getting feedback on my posts.
Worst: Writing a post when I’ve given myself a deadline. I always leave it until the last minute!
7. What was the last website you looked at?
I was Googling the lyrics to the song quoted above… I can’t believe I actually second-guessed myself!
8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
I guess being a bit more tolerant to stupid people…?
9. Slankets, yes or no?
I think you mean Snuggie… and I would go with a no.. except on little kids and dogs, have you seen the dog snuggie? So cute! I wonder if there is a photo of a pug in a snuggie somewhere out there…
Oh. My. God…
10. Tell us something about the person who nominated you.
She sorts her fries by size. True story.
11. Favorite Color:
12. Favorite Animal:
Dogs, Elephants and Seals.
13. Favorite Number:
14. Favorite Non-Alcoholic Drink:
15. Facebook or Twitter:
16. My Passion:
17. Getting or Giving Presents:
18. Favorite Pattern:
Pattern?? Weird question… any of Cath Kidston’s floral prints?
19. Favorite Day of the Week:
20. Favorite Flower:
And ten blogs to nominate:
I accept that grammatically, either way is acceptable, but I just don’t think it’s right.
Having said that, I was recently re-reading one of my blog posts which I had published in a hurry and I realised that I had unknowingly finished two bullet points with full stops and one with an exclamation mark. After hyperventilating for a short moment, I pulled myself together long enough to deal with it.
In fairness to myself, I had used the full stop when adding a final word or two to the point. For example:
– Pugs are awesome. Fact.
Totally necessary. But by using two full stops and one exclamation point, I had unintentionally thrown my entire post off balance.
There was only one solution – go back through and add a full stop to every bullet point… all the while accepting that this would result in me not sleeping that night.
I started thinking about what other totally minor things have threatened to tip me over the edge in recent months and fairly quickly realised that I might actually be insane. But hey, who is judging? These are just a few:
USING CAPITALS FOR A HEADING OR IN AN EMAIL
I’m not even joking, people actually do this. In reports, people like to use capitals all over the shop and it has, on occasion, very nearly killed me. If you need a heading, there’s this wonderful thing called bold which is designed for adding emphasis without screaming.
Excessive capitalising in email is particularly unpleasant at work when customers, or people associated with customers think they’ll get a better response from me by CAPITALISING all the AGRESSIVE words in their EMAIL… well, guess what? When I read the third misspelt and capitalised word you included, I lost all interest in helping you in any way. Instead, I have made it my mission to ruin your life!
If you’re reading this and you have a tendency to capitalise unnecessarily, please do not ever make me aware of this. It won’t go well. Capital letters should be reserved for the occasional emphasis of a single word and nothing else. For example -Pugs are AWESOME.
txt spk n emails (Text speak in emails)
Last year, I received the following one-line email from our IT guy at work:
“ok np.. ‘only’ looks a bit stupid in the comparison popup though imo”
After staring blankly at my screen for a good twenty seconds, I called a colleague into my office and said ‘I think IT Guy might be having a seizure!’
Apparently I’m just not down with the lingo. Mucho awkwardo.
I am the first to accept that I overuse the acronyms OMG and WTF and maybe it’s a double standard, but under no circumstances should lol, lmfao, np, imo, fml, ffs, ftw or ttfn be used in an email. It takes me more time to Google what it means that it would take you to just write in English!
And don’t even get me started on ‘totes’!
Using the space bar instead of tab
If you reeeeaaallly want to piss me off, put together a nicely aligned and spaced document which has been formatted without using the tab button. Go on, do it. I dare you…
I guarantee I will squeal, hyperventilate and not speak to you for at least two hours.
Even better, put the header content on the main page, the page number at the top centre and don’t bother with columns, just split all the text into two and put spaces between everything…. EVERYWHERE*!
Times New Roman
Do I need to elaborate? Why does this font still exist?!?
So now you’re starting to grasp how challenging my life is and you’re no doubt wondering how I cope…
I take a deep breath, open a new window in Google Chrome and search Google Images using two magical words ‘Awesome Pug’…
And just for you, my lovely blog readers, I am letting you into my world for a moment. This is the wall above my work desk, I call it The Wall of Pug Inspiration**!
*Please note totally appropriate use of capital letters
** Yes, that is Jacob on the top left. Yes, he has a speech bubble saying ‘I love you… see you tonight!’ but just hold your judgement, I am 100% Team Edward!
Just a really quick post today to thank A Single Parent’s Life for passing on a little blog love last week. In the Freshly Pressed madness, it’s taken me a few days to get around to doing this, eek!
I was thrilled to see this award comes with just a few rules, so I can (and will) actually keep this brief!
The rules are:
1.Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
2.Pass the award to other newly discovered blogs.
3.Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
1. As above, many thanks to A Single Parent’s Life for nominating me. When I first started blogging shortly before Christmas, someone I used to work with but hadn’t seen for years sent me a message saying they had read and enjoyed my blog. I was so excited that someone had actually liked it and that one message was seriously my motivation for even continuing with it. Twelve posts, 3 blog nominations and one Freshly Pressed inclusion later, I have come to realise the real value of blogging, the opportunity to interact with the many wonderful people who have been reading and supporting my weekly rant. Reading the diverse stories and experiences that are shared by you all on WordPress brightens my day!
2. My favourite part of these awards is that they give me an excuse to sit on the couch reading blogs for an entire afternoon, and to discover wonderful new blogs! The blogs I would like to pass the One Lovely Blog Award onto are:
3. I’m on it!
Okay, so there’s been some crazy shizz going on with WordPress lately.
When I logged in on Sunday morning I was shocked to realise that somehow, in my sleep my blog had doubled its daily view record (whatever it’s called). After some slight confusion and a bit of investigation, I realised that not only one or two but FIVE of the blogs I actively follow have been Freshly Pressed in the last week! Yay for y’all, I’ve been clicking like wherever possible and hope you’ve all enjoyed the fame and fortune that I imagine it brings!
But – this was not where my joy ended! The lovely Lyndon of The Dissemination of Thought had nominated me for The Awesome Blog Content (ABC) Award! YAY! I am thrilled to pieces, even though it’s taken me ages to find all those words!
So, as the rules of the award go, I am to:
- Thank the person who gave me the award
- Choose one word that describes me for every letter of the alphabet (for some I just chose words I like)
- Pass it on and nominate blogs which I think deserve fame and notoriety
So, first up, many, many thanks to Mr Keane and The Dissemination of Thought for nominating me! One of my favourite bloggers so far, Lyndon is flipping hilarious and his posts never fail to make me laugh. He’s also kind of a big deal, so I’d recommend you become his friend and WordPress stalk him before he hits it big and forgets us little people!
And for the alphabet of ME:
*I don’t actually think I’m a cat, but how good is that word?
**I’m also not a pug, but I love them!
***I can’t actually yodel, but I had no other Y. I’ll give it a shot if you pay me!
****I also wouldn’t describe myself as plump or full-figured, but it sure beat zany
And for the blogs I would like to nominate:
www.pithypants.com – I just discovered this one today, very funny and clearly an Arrested Development fan! I can’t wait to read more from her!
www.imnotfamousandneitherareyou.com – I nominated Emily last time, but she’s still hilarious, and still reminds me of me.
www.dampsquid.wordpress.com – Another one I nominated last time, every time I visit this blog I end up giggling at something on there!
www.sarahpalma.wordpress.com – This bloggers name is Sarah Palma, which reminds of both Twin Peaks and Chicken Parma, what more can you ask for?
Sorry for only nominating four, it’s bedtime and I’m starting to type crazy things as I doze off in front of my computer screen!
Thanks for reading my blog and for all the wonderful new followers I have gained over the past few days! Yay!